Humor

Humor from the Semiconductor Industry...

All the jokes on this page are coming from EE's friends.
About the IEEE: The IEEE, a non-profit organization, is the world's leading professional association for the advancement of technology. The full name of the IEEE is the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers, Inc., although the organization is referred to by the letters I-E-E-E and pronounced Eye-triple-E.

Pathetic Jokes

What is a husband who abandons his wife called? A reliability failure.

Which IC packages are insincere? The plastic ones.

How do defective diodes cheat in exams? By leakage.

What is an affair with a Process Statistician called? Correlation.

Why is a biscuit maker like a Die Prep engineer? They're both afraid of broken wafers.

How did the metal atoms move out of their country? By electromigration.

Which station is always after big-time criminals in the US? FVI.

What do DTFS engineers with marital problems apply for? Singulation.

Why are failure analysts not popular? Because they're fault finders.

Which assembly station always starts good in a game but loses in the end? Lead Finish.

Why do big capacitors earn more than small ones? Because they charge more.

Why is soggy die overcoat terminally ill? Because it wasn't cured.

What do swimmers and narrow metal lines have in common? They're both afraid of large currents.

How did the magnetic coil get into the Hall of Fame? By induction.

What did the integrated circuit say when it was enlightened? IC.

What did the diamond wheel say after it has been mounted? Close the door, I'm dressing.


Corny Jokes

How can you tell if a wirebond operator is problematic? If all the bondwires come out depressed.

Why is the capacitor no longer in military service? It was discharged.

What did one bond pad say to the other one that experienced non-sticking? You have no balls!

What do crooked lawyers and leadframes have in common? They both undergo debarring.

What type of surgery did the IC with hernia undergo? Ball lifting.

Why are DTFS toolings hard to forget? Because their first impressions last.

What does an unhappily married Test operator call her husband? A functional failure.

What assembly station is also Dr. No's favorite expression? Die Bond.


Just Okay' Jokes

What did Mr. Wedge and his son do when they went camping? Wedge Bonding.

Why was the failure analyst slapped by his girlfriend? Because he was microprobing.

What happens when a poorly endowed Mold technician makes love with a very experienced Mold operator? Incomplete Filling.

Why did the transistor lose its money lending business? Because it has a bad collector.

What is the immoral IC hiding in his closet? Leadframes.

What did the IC package grow to look more masculine? Solder whiskers.

How does the DTFS system entertain the IC package? By showing them the strippers.

Wit and Wisdom

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

A good way I know to find happiness, is to not bore a hole to fit the plug.

A puppy plays with every pup he meets, but an old dog has few associates.

About the most originality that any writer can hope to achieve honestly is to steal with good judgment.

Adversity has the same effect on a man that severe training has on the pugilist: it reduces him to his fighting weight.

Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

Be kind to your mother-in-law, but pay for her board at some good hotel.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.

Common sense is the knack of seeing things as they are, and doing things as they ought to be done.

Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.

Economy is a savings-bank, into which men drop pennies, and get dollars in return.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

Genius isn't anything more than elegant common sense.

Honesty is the rarest wealth anyone can possess, and yet all the honesty in the world isn't lawful tender for a loaf of bread.

I have lived in this world just long enough to look carefully the second time into things that I am most certain of the first time.

I have never known a person to live to be one hundred and be remarkable for anything else.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

I think when the full horror of being fifty hits you, you should stay home and have a good cry.

If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

If there was no faith there would be no living in this world. We could not even eat hash with any safety.

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.

If you ever find happiness by hunting for it, you will find it, as the old woman did her lost spectacles, safe on her own nose all the time.

It is better to know nothing than to know what isn't so.

It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those that we intend to commit.

It is not all bad, this getting old, ripening. After the fruit has got its growth it should juice up and mellow. God forbid I should live long enough to ferment and rot and fall to the ground in a squash.

It's not only the most difficult thing to know one's self, but the most inconvenient.

Knowledge is like money: the more he gets, the more he craves.

Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one place.

Learning sleeps and snores in libraries, but wisdom is everywhere, wide awake, on tiptoe.

Life consists not in holding good cards but in playing those you hold well.

Life is short, but it's long enough to ruin any man who wants to be ruined.

Love is said to be blind, but I know some fellows in love who can see twice as much in their sweethearts as I do.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

Marrying for love may be a bit risky, but it is so honest that God can't help but smile on it.

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they haven't got. Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

Most people when they come to you for advice, come to have their own opinions strengthened, not corrected.

Old maids sweeten their tea with scandal.

One of the best temporary cures for pride and affectation is seasickness; a man who wants to vomit never puts on airs.

One of the rarest things that a man ever does, is to do the best he can.

Reason often makes mistakes, but conscience never does.

Remember the poor, it costs nothing.

Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute.

Take all the fools out of this world and there wouldn't be any fun living in it, or profit.

The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

The best way to convince a fool that he is wrong is to let him have his own way.

The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.

The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travelers pay the expense of it.

The thinner the ice, the more anxious is everyone to see whether it will bear.

The trouble with most folks aren't so much their ignorance as knowing so many things that aren't so.

The trouble with people is not that they don't know but that they know so much that aren't so.

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

There are some people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.

There are two kinds of fools: those who can't change their opinions and those who won’t.

There are two things in life for which we are never truly prepared: Twins.

There is no greater evidence of superior intelligence than to be surprised at nothing.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

There is nothing so easy to learn as experience and nothing so hard to apply.

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

There's a lot of people in this world who spend so much time watching their health that they haven't the time to enjoy it.

Three score years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

When a man comes to me for advice, I find out the kind of advice he wants, and I give it to him.

Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.

Words are often seen hunting for an idea, but ideas are never seen hunting for words.

Jokes

An Italian guy in London
One day Ima gonna London to a bigga hotel. Ina morning, I go down to eat breakfast. I tella the waitress I wanna two pisss toast. She bring me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better no piss on the plate, you sonna na bitch.

Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress bring me a spoon and knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everone wanna fock. I tella her, you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say, you better not fock on table, you sonna na bitch. I don even know the lady and she call me a sonna ma bitch.

So I go to my room inna hotel, and there isa no shits ona my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna a shit. He tella me to go to the toilet. I say, you no understand, I wanna shit ina the bed. He say, you better not shit on the bed, you sonna na bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace to you". I say "Piss on you, too, you sonna na bitch. I gonna back to Italy."

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Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine willprobably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to standcloser to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

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Old Age

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"

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